Don’t Question my Religiousness

The amount of times a person came up to me

And asked me if I support violence as oppose to peaceful means

Is zero to none

Compared to questions of my religiousness

Because of my skinny jeans and western dress

“So you’re like the liberal ones”

Okay I guess…

Liberal because of my love for Locke?

Or because my hair was showing from that “useless” cloth?

Ah, might as well take it off

I mean since you are my judge

And of course no one else should be placed above

I just don’t get it

Because the faith I know preaches to do an action with good to be intended

Yet here I seem to be

Explaining myself to people who share the same beliefs as me

I am more trendy than the “dawah type”

I am a basically an airhead with no religion in physical site

Or when I assert myself as a women

I am a feminist fighting a cause that is not worth winning

When I challenge your school of thought

I incite reformist views

But my views were based on traditional basics from the very start

When I struggle but don’t show it

My religiousness is in question because everyone knows it

I will not lose my faith because you simply lost faith in me

I mean would you tell Umar (RA) to leave the community

because a faith was on the rise

And he was slowly becoming a minority

No, you wouldn’t because that wouldn’t be the sunnah you claim to be a part of.

Now don’t question my spirituality, my connection with God is my first priority

Yet, what becomes fitna is not my own hair showing but the fact you challenge my prayers and my intentions

A women committed adultery and went to Prophet (pbuh)

to simply repent but saw her action was to be overseen

Her repentance was enough to forgive 70 men in Medina

Mind you that composed of people who buried their daughters alive

Little girls who never got a chance in the world to be strong and thrive

Would you question her religiousness?

Of course not, the Prophet established her actions were none of anyone’s business

Now let me be, and advise me when in need

In private and sincerity

Based on kindness and not mere opinions.

Sun beams and Moon rays

Although you are not the sunbeams
That brighten my day
Or the moon rays
That guide my dark paths when I am long astray
Saying you are not wonderful
Is a lie told over
Even when drunk
Even when sober…
Denying your existence
Is just so wrong
I can convince myself you’re a monster
But who am I fooling for so long?
Aren’t monsters born vicious at birth?
You simply became one when you stepped on my self worth
You are not a monster
Oh no.
Just a human being
From beginning to end
You will make mistakes to follow
And one after another you heart will feel so dim and hallow
And during the darkest days you may whisper my name
But I would’ve found myself caught in someone else’s moon rays…
Incomparable you are
But you chose you to be distant
You chose to be far.
This isn’t my problem anymore
For you are the one in lost and I am simply the one bearing the cost.

World Hijab Day: It’s You Against Yourself

To the Struggling Muslimah,

It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to write about for World Hijab Day. Should I write about Islamophobia and Hijab? Or my struggles with hijab itself? Should I write about modesty and hijab? But no, there are bigger issues to really talk about. I will not write about problems others have about hijab. I will not explain to people how girls who wear or don’t wear hijab have their own issues to deal with. I will not write about the nit pickers of the hijabis. Instead, I think I will write about how hijabis feel about themselves. The other side of the nit picking when people prey upon the way one dresses, the way one acts, the way one talks. Basically how to deal with the BS of others :).

The world around dictates how we should lead our lives, dress, look, act, speak and even behave. Over time we have adjusted our own desires- whether good or bad- to those of society, just to please the social norms around us. Wearing hijab for me was a means to kind of cut off my own ties with social norms and create my own norm. Well my own version of a norm since it is still under religious doctrine. Yet, as someone who wore it going on four years, I find myself giving in to what I should to be, to what I want to be. Even in the “hijabi community”, you find yourself losing confidence when looking at others and debate whether or not to keep it on.  Whether its seeing the angelic girl in her Abaya walking through the school hallways, or the trendy turbanista testing out a new style every week, you feel like you’re not doing it properly. Whether its style wise or modesty wise, you somehow second guess your efforts as if its not enough.

My advice to you, as someone who has went through it all the time and even wanted to take it off because of a never ending battle, the only person you are competing against is the person you were yesterday. There is no standard you should reach unless its for the good of you. There is no one you should listen to unless its your Quran, the Prophet, and sincere advice.  Your jeans are a bit too tight and you’ve been called out on it? So what,  let that be something you overcome because only you and Allah know your sincerest intentions and your efforts. But always remember to carry every action with renewed intentions. Everything you do should be the sake of the one Who deserves it. It should never be to please those around you. Do it if it makes you and God happy.  Your worth does not depend on those who observe you. Your beauty does not decline when you see someone just as beautiful. You efforts do not fade away when you see someone outwardly steadfast on their deen, because remember everyone is struggling just about the same and no one is free of faults.

You feel like taking it off? My advice is reflect back on the reasons you wore it, and what motivated you and see if they can serve as a catalyst again. I remember last year I was so close to taking it off just for the sake of finding my way back to the deen, but I realized by changing my attire I won’t change myself. The hijab does not make you spiritual, Islamic or any of that. Your intentions and the actions that follow after do. So take this day, if not everyday to reflect your reasoning as to why you were it and think “am I better than who I was yesterday” as you continue this spiritual journey.

My duas are always with you.