Cigarette burns to my skin

 

I want my skin to be lit with cigarettes
Alcohol on my breath
And maybe a goody bag of fresh meth
Just to feel what it is
About being drugged and wasted
I so long to taste it
But hesitant to swallow
A lifetime of sorrow
When turning to these methods
Of misery
Yet I want my room to be engulfed in smoke
and my desk full of white powder yes that coke
And bottles just everywhere
But I’d rather sit on my bed and quietly stare
Just want experience a forbidden life style by simple observations
because from society these means are a means of rehabilitation
I want to get 420 high without the blunt
I want that relapse phase
Where all my thoughts are hidden and clustered like a maze
I just want to know the feeling of being out of mind
Without the substance abuse wasting my precious time
I just want my skin to be lit with cigarettes
Cigarettes and other things so I can have that ashy breath

If my soul had a color…

I used to be aware of dying
And how I must depart soon
Now I have no remorse and my soul hardly blooms
If it was a color I’m sure it’s black
These days sincerity is what my heart clearly lacks
Or maybe it’s a product of the environment I chose
Because I was convinced to leave all the open doors closed
I remember I would pray early in the morning
Because I didn’t want to die in my sleep and have my family mourning And now I’m stuck in a phase I can hardly leave
Dependent on people
On mere human beings
I remember I used to be strong in my values
But I compromised and here I stand Made this dunya my homeland Numb
Unsatisfied
Only because
I did this to myself
Not to you or anyone else

Finally at ease…

And I abandoned here I stand

Depended on people and the errands they ran

What was once a huge blob of faces

Are now faded masks with no sign of  footstep or traces

You said you’ll stand by me

But through your real scars I now clearly see

All those lies and lies

You chanted by my side

Friends, friends

Friends till the end

Till the end of their own era

An era of hysteria

Up and down

Like a roller coaster

There goes that frown

They don’t really stay true

A piece of your life till they become past  due

Enemies stay closer than you think

And right when you drown

They swim pass you and watch you sink

And here I am so alone in this world

Alone in this world

So alone in this world

I die solo

Buried so low

No body or soul with me

But the insects and black crows

And here I am at my deepest point of life

And I see those around me behind my back with a sharp knife

Trust is a blade

And only loyalty is the saving shade

But what is loyalty if I’m not faithful to myself

And here I am kneeling to pray

Because all my life I decided to surround myself with people of who led me the wrong way

Where eventually I was by myself

To the point i forgot to feel the emotions I never felt

And here I am tasting the blissfulness of sujood

and the humbleness of ruku

and I can finally say

I no longer feel left alone or so far away…

And here I stand with no negativity at all

And no one is behind me to crush me down till I fall

And here I stand finally at ease…

Because a meaningful prayer taught me how to breathe…

1 am poems

I question

During the nights

What led these thoughts

All the way to my bed

While I lay under my blanket

Contemplating of things unsaid
I question

Many things

Because back then I had angel wings

But as I see my reflection right now I have the devils horn

A new me is born

I question every thought and spoken word

Every action and every syllable heard

I question the places gone

And all the people I have done wrong

And I answer with a blank face

I don’t know…

And their gazes just sink to their all time low

I don’t remember when it went down

I don’t remember any of it

I lived life with the same old frown

When have I wronged

And why did it take me so so long

To come to terms

With my old scars and burns

Giving out apologies

Like free Monopoly money

When did I do wrong

Simple question

Yet I answer with love songs

In hopes you’ll read it someday

Because I don’t want your memory to fade away

You’re alive

I see you

But you left me here to just die out if the blue
I’m dead inside

You closed the door that was once open wide

Lock and key

Fell in the sea

Maybe excuses ?

I don’t know just hope no one loses

I love you with all my heart

Stay with me before you forever depart